6

road trips.

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on the road, big sur & beyond

you might not want to take me shelling, because i'll probably fall asleep digging in the sand. although i must say road trips are totally my jam. i'm surprisingly alert when i'm in the cockpit, and as long as there's a bag of twizzlers in reach i should be good. and then a box of junior mints stuffed in the door. it also helps to have a car full of sisters and the non-stop chatter over the beats and rhythms of crazy fun music. girls just wanna have fun! 

see full photo set of our adventure in big sur | flickr

3

morro bay.

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tees and tanks | morro bay, california

morro bay is one of those small coastal towns you just cannot pass through without stopping. that giant pile of rock is something to behold, and sunsets on this local beach are pretty fantastic. there's something special about the central coast - a quiet fusion of the california life we all know and love, but put in slow motion. i love that about this area. after spending some time at the bay, we ventured on to the small town of cayucos and dreamed up our beach front properties and let the waves wash over our feet. 

5

big sur campout.

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from the road, los angeles to big sur

what is it about looking out the window watching the world whiz by in a blur that makes us lose our minds? not in a bad way, but in a therapeutic kind of way. zone out. just stare. watch. look. feel. smell. zen. you're not really aware of much, but at the same time you sense everything. maybe thats why road trips are so freeing. maybe that's why when life gets hard, so many of us just want to hit the road and disappear for a while, without caring where we're headed or what we leave behind. 

30

therapy.

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once in a while, i just have a sad day. there's really no good reason at all. it just happens. i wake up, go about my regular routine, but there's just this nagging feeling of sadness that sort of looms over me. there are days where i tell that little rain cloud to go stick it where the sun don't shine, and others where i just let it storm all over me. i am of healthy mind and body, i experience the usual pains and trials of the average person. and like many average people, sometimes i let it get the best of me.

today is one of those days. i have projects that need editing, and things i can work on from home. what a great blessing. but today is the kind of day where i just want to curl up in a ball on my big white bed and watch netflix and hulu whilst chowing down on baked treats. completely unproductive, and consequently doesn't make a person happy. my mama always said, "busy-ness is happiness." productivity yields a better mood and overall feelings of successfulness. but sometimes our bodies, brains, and even hearts just need a little break from the monotony.

as some of you may have heard from my instagram, i recently lost my first baby. i had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. it was awful. painful. scary, and sad. and i know many people keep saying, "it's so common. i know so-and-so had one, too" and that it does happen more often than we know. it almost feels like a big secret. women are having all these miscarriages, and not talking about it - choosing to suffer silently. and that's ok. if that's the way they cope, i totally respect that. but when it was my turn, i just couldn't keep it inside. keeping it to myself felt like denying that i ever had good news. not sharing my miscarriage felt like i was completely disregarding the fact that i had even carried a child. and i don't say that like it's a fact, it is just my personal opinion with my personal experience. just the fact that miscarriages are common almost made it feel like i am just experiencing the common cold, and that my stuffy nose and headaches will go away soon so if i just take some over the counter meds i'll get over it in no time. i even had a lady in the elevator who asked why i was at the doctors getting bloodwork done reply to my sad news saying, "oh! yeah, that happens all the time! lots of people. you'll be fine." i know she was probably trying to be comforting in her own way, and i respect that. but it kind of felt like a slap in the face to buck up, because i was weak. which is definitely not her words, but my own in my mind.

there are times where i feel having a miscarriage doesn't necessarily make me especially deserving of condolences when so many other "worse" things go wrong in peoples lives. and because nobody really talks about miscarriages. but at the same time, i think my experience does give me a right to be sad and feel loss despite the age of my baby. because it was a loss. it seems like miscarriages are sort of lumped into an unknown category where nobody knows where else to put it. misfits. we're not quite mothers because we've never held the baby in our arms, but we're not non-mothers either. i've carried a baby in my tummy and even though it was only eleven weeks, it matters. it counts. there was a life growing inside of me. and i feel that with every fiber of my being - i always have. the second i knew i was pregnant i knew i would never be the same. and as my sweet sissy comforted me the night of the passing, "now you have a mama heart." tears. truth.

it was so exciting to be pregnant. incredibly shocking, but super exciting. we were going to be parents! and i know we will still be. and i know we can try again. and i know there's always a reason things happen the way they do, when they do. i am a firm believer in god's plan for each and every one of us, and i have a strong testimony that the he has a specific plan for spencer and i as a mother and father to some really cute little children that i can't wait to hug, squeeze and over-photograph. but all this knowledge doesn't necessarily ease the natural everyday pain that we feel. it doesn't make it go away. it's comforting, yes. but when i'm told, "well at least you know you can get pregnant," i almost feel like i'm undeserving to feel grief because there are so many who have troubles getting pregnant, or have had trials far worse than my own.
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...trials. why we have them. why they're all different. why it's okay to feel grief and sorrow, no matter how big or small. no two trials are exactly the same, and no trials are created equally. that being said, i also feel that trials cannot be compared, weighed or measured on a scale of "bad-ness," 1 being the least bad and 10 being the worst. it's not fair, and it's kind of awkward. because we can all nod our heads in the midst of something awful and say, "i know, i know, it could be worse." but what about those people who "had it worse?" are we then saying that we're better off? because it doesn't make our present pain with whatever trial we're facing any easier or "less" bad. i just want to say to trials, "you're no fun. for anyone."

we hear about crap hitting the fan all the time. terrible things happening to wonderful people. all kinds of people. no one saw it coming. you didn't see it coming. and then you just shake your head trying to imagine "how to handle it," or in shock you say aloud to said person, "i don't know how you do it! i could never do that." the truth is, god doesn't give us anything we cannot handle. and if you believe in that, then you can handle anything that comes your way. an apostle of my church once said, "come what may, and love it." that by no means implies that i love that i had a miscarriage. i hate that i had a miscarriage. my heart broke. i hate that my body didn't work the way it should, but at the same time i know it's not my fault. there was something wrong, it would have happened anyway, there was nothing i could do. that's what everyone keeps saying, and that is what is supposed to bring me comfort. and i guess it sort of does. but at the same time i think anyone who has experienced any form of loss will still ask, "why?" and not quite be able to find the answers. all i know is that i am stronger because of it. i love more deeply. my faith has been strengthened. i have seen the love and grace of perfect strangers. and as awful as trials are, they often bring out the best in others through a natural outpouring of love and support. because that's human nature! we want to love each other. too often we just let petty desires get in the way of that.

i know that in my loss, i have experienced something awful. painful. i can go days without thinking much of it other than a passing thought, or a glance at my ultrasound on the refrigerator. but then on a random thursday morning, i break down and crumble into a ball on my floor and just cry a little. and think about what might have been. and i think that's okay. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. we need to feel what we're feeling, and to accept it. it's the only way we can move past it. for me, i don't have any magical formula or routine that snaps me out of grief. i just let the feelings come, and just like that - i let them go. or at least i try. because "we can do hard things." they say faith can move mountains. i want to move mountains.
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my theory is, when i'm feeling sorry for myself, give myself a minute (or two, or thirty) to get it all out. cry, scream, kick, throw a fit, be angry, a sad loris, whatever i gotta do. and when i'm satisfied, call it a day. be done with it. i know no shoe fits all, but for me no good comes from wallowing. i hope that i have not offended anyone by my long emotional rant. i am one person in a world full of them, and i cannot possibly communicate every side of every trial the way i'd like to without writing a novel. this is just one sliver of my life. by publishing this, i know i take a risk to be misunderstood, criticized and vulnerable. but i am sharing this because it helps. people sharing their stories, believe it or not, is helpful. and who knows, my story might help someone else navigate through theirs, too. thank you for reading, and please be respectful in your comments below. our hearts can only handle so much.

5

sand dollar beach.

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when you're a member of the fly family (my maiden name), you have to fight for food. we are all little piglets and preparing this meal without chopping my fingers off from an accidental "hunger" slip, was a sheer miracle. by the time we were done hiking and exploring, we were ravenous and devoured everything in sight. 

9

in the clouds.

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QhDwBH on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs
tee c/o mile high | big sur, california

we definitely drank too many energy drinks. 
the stuff of road trips, am i right?


 

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